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12 abril GoodbyeFarewell my friends,
As some of you might know things haven’t been great for a while. For some time now I’ve been feeling tired. Not just from working too hard, but emotionally drained. Best way to describe it would be calling it a great big storm raging inside my head, picking up speed and rubble, crashing the walls I so carefully constructed to keep me safe and to keep the world away, far away. Tearing me apart with nightmares and flashbacks of a past I wish to forget.
Things got out of control and out of hand when I was no longer able to keep myself together. I’ve found myself crying, curled up in a corner of the shower, shaking, unable to stand or speak. The memories were too overwhelming. I had to seek help, I knew that. But I couldn’t do it. Not by myself.
I forgot there is someone in my life who is strong enough to get trough to me and my demons of the past. She stepped in and took over when I wasn't able to help myself. She’s gotten me help. Thanks to her I went to see a shrink. Also thanks to her I am able to take a long and desperately needed break from work.
For the next few months, probably until the end of the year I’ll be going up to Finland. Soul-searching, re-discovering myself, slaying the past for once and for all … or just building a house.
The “she” I keep talking about is the most amazing woman in the world. My girlfriend Jade. There are no words to express what she means to me.
We’ve spent the last couple of weeks on vacation and I could feel all the stress just melt away. It’s been wonderful just being able to relax and not having to worry about anything. But vacations end and I was getting ready to say goodbye and go off to the high North by myself, to be alone again. The thought of being that far apart just turns my stomach into a tight knot. But..... Jade had been keeping a secret. She has giving up her job and will leave behind her family and friends in Amsterdam to be with me…..
The storm is no longer raging, instead there is a soft breeze filling my heart with a warm love deeper then the debts of the oceans. The demons are not defeated yet, this I know. I still have a long road to travel, but I’m not walking alone. We will both turn our backs on our old lives and start over again, together. Building not a house but a home, our home.
Our new life
Lieve Jade,
ik hou van je. Naast jou in slaap vallen en de volgende morgen wakker worden is het mooiste wat me ooit overkomen is, elke dag weer. Ik zal de rest van mijn leven proberen je net zo gelukkig te maken als jij mij maakt.
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