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Castle RavenloftMay 24 LoveMay 14 Mothers DayThe One I love to hate
I stare at the face looking back at me
A cold hatred shining in deep brown eyes
I don’t recognize, but I know its origin
The child, locked away in a closet
Afraid to make a sound and awaken the fury once more
Once again I look at the body reflecting in the mirror
No longer a child, still not a free man
Pale skin decorated with scars
Eyes ruined by hate
Heart corrupted by your so-called love
The child, alone in his room
Hiding in a world of fairytales
Pretending to be strong
Keeping safe what he holds dear
I’ve never said a word
I’ve always wept my tears in silence
Unwilling to give you the satisfaction of my pain, caused by youApril 12 GoodbyeFarewell my friends,
As some of you might know things haven’t been great for a while. For some time now I’ve been feeling tired. Not just from working too hard, but emotionally drained. Best way to describe it would be calling it a great big storm raging inside my head, picking up speed and rubble, crashing the walls I so carefully constructed to keep me safe and to keep the world away, far away. Tearing me apart with nightmares and flashbacks of a past I wish to forget.
Things got out of control and out of hand when I was no longer able to keep myself together. I’ve found myself crying, curled up in a corner of the shower, shaking, unable to stand or speak. The memories were too overwhelming. I had to seek help, I knew that. But I couldn’t do it. Not by myself.
I forgot there is someone in my life who is strong enough to get trough to me and my demons of the past. She stepped in and took over when I wasn't able to help myself. She’s gotten me help. Thanks to her I went to see a shrink. Also thanks to her I am able to take a long and desperately needed break from work.
For the next few months, probably until the end of the year I’ll be going up to Finland. Soul-searching, re-discovering myself, slaying the past for once and for all … or just building a house.
The “she” I keep talking about is the most amazing woman in the world. My girlfriend Jade. There are no words to express what she means to me.
We’ve spent the last couple of weeks on vacation and I could feel all the stress just melt away. It’s been wonderful just being able to relax and not having to worry about anything. But vacations end and I was getting ready to say goodbye and go off to the high North by myself, to be alone again. The thought of being that far apart just turns my stomach into a tight knot. But..... Jade had been keeping a secret. She has giving up her job and will leave behind her family and friends in Amsterdam to be with me…..
The storm is no longer raging, instead there is a soft breeze filling my heart with a warm love deeper then the debts of the oceans. The demons are not defeated yet, this I know. I still have a long road to travel, but I’m not walking alone. We will both turn our backs on our old lives and start over again, together. Building not a house but a home, our home.
Our new life
Lieve Jade,
ik hou van je. Naast jou in slaap vallen en de volgende morgen wakker worden is het mooiste wat me ooit overkomen is, elke dag weer. Ik zal de rest van mijn leven proberen je net zo gelukkig te maken als jij mij maakt.
Minä rakastan sinua February 26 Release meI love you in ways I can not say
So much deeper then I can tell you
So much more then words can say
Even more then I can possibly show you
If only I could let you feel my heart, my soul, my love
You are my strength
You fight to keep me sane
You hold me, dry the tears
Kiss away the cold dark memories
Bring me back to here and now within your embrace
It is because of this I can no longer allow myself to drain you
Each time can I see the pain wounding your heart
Every scream or tear slashes you,
like a knife across your virgin soul
I can not bare to be the one that scars you for life,
with the demons of my past
Let me go when I close my eyes
I don’t want to wake up
Not another day
Not another hour
I’m so tired… let me sleep and never wake up
My love, I beg you
Let me go
I will only drag you down with me, if you stay
Release me
Be free of the burden I have become
No longer will you have to worry
For I will be safe in the arms of death
T. January 24 Lower the FlagsHe's gone, he is dead His remains upon the hearse ahead As silently we wander though the mist He's free This is the end Your journey's over, night descends Below... Into the abyss Farewell, my friend, you will be missed Lower the flags A good man has passed He has reached the last of frontiers Lower the flags Down to half-mast For again the world has taken a turn for the worse He's done, he is dead Six feet of earth upon his head Now lay your wreaths Upon the one who lies beneath Although you're gone In memories you shall live on Asleep... In peace now rest The weight of the world is off your chest Lower the flags A good man has passed He has reached the last of frontiers Lower the flags Down to half-mast For again the world has taken a turn for the worse That morning light I'll always remember And these August nights: cold as December.
(lyrics by S. Lopakka) January 04 Why do I love herWhy do I love her as much as I do?
She doesn’t feel sorry for me or the past
She doesn’t pity me
She understands that this is a part of who I am,
It’s my burden to carry
She helps me when I struggle
She’s there when I need her
She comforts me
She holds me close and keeps me safe
She lets the tears fall from my eyes, lets me cry
She doesn’t cry my tears, suffer my pain or choke on the anger
She doesn’t hate
She never judges
She just kisses away to cold pale loneliness and make me whole
She loves me………. December 30 Happy New YearTo all my friends, spread out in almost every continent on this globe
I wish you all the very best of what it is that you are longing for
No more feeling bad, no longer find ways of self-destruction
No more drinking just to get drunk and be numb
No more hurting yourself or the ones around you, so you won't feel the pain deep inside
May 2007 be the year in which you'll find peace at mind, heart and soul
I hope the new year will bring you health, strength and happiness
I wish for all of you that you'll find or feel the same blissful warm love that I found and burns deep in the depths of my heart.
Let this be the year where all your secret, even childhood dreams find a way to come true
Take control over your life, love and lust and make 2007 the best time, you more then deserve it my friend
These are my deepest wishes for those I call my friends
If I could I would tell each of you in person, share a drink or hug
But seeing we all life so far apart, this is the best I can do
So what I'm trying to say is:
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE December 27 Fairytale“Daddy, Daddy… look !!!!” I’m standing behind my two little angels and gaze outside the window. Our garden has been transformed into a winter wonder fairytale. Everything is covered in a thick soft white blanket of snow. One of the girls is pulling on my arm. “Can we go outside? Please, daddy, can we?” “You haven’t even had breakfast yet girls” “I’m not hungry” “Me neither. Can we play in the snow, just for a little while? I turn to look at them both and help them to get dressed. “You can’t go out playing in the snow without at least 2 thick sweaters… and a scarf…. and a warm hat.. and mittens…” I help them to zip up their coats and put their boots on, then watch them run out the door. I follow behind them and see how their breaths become little clouds as they run around trying to get the dog the pull the sledge. I can’t help smiling and laughing all morning. We win the snow ball fight with the neighbors kids and build a large snowman. When the girls lay down to make snow angels I see you standing in the doorway. You look so beautiful, your hair is tied back in a lose braid. You try to sound a little angry when you tell me off for letting the girls play before they had anything to eat, but your bright blue eyes sparkle with joy and love. And when I come near I can see you set the table with the girls favorite foods. You let me kiss you and pull you into my arms. We dance and kiss while the snow falls down around us. Then you pull away and tell the girls to go inside and take off their wet cloths. “That goes for you as well sweetie. Your jeans are soaked, you must be freezing. Go help the girls and tell them to put on they yammies so we can have breakfast”
When I look around our bedroom, something is different… You lay beside me, fast asleep. I search the house but no trace off the girls, I can’t find they rooms. The garden is not there either, no white winter wonder land. Our family home has turned into the tiny apartment we live in….Was it only a dream? You sit up and look at me. “What’s wrong sweetie? You look cold” You touch me, hug me. “Baby even your lips are blue and your hands are freezing” It can’t have been just dream. Can it? November 24 D'amore, d'amourPer voi, amore della mia vita. Prendete il mio alito. Mi annego nei vostri occhi. La vostra rottura di bellezza il mio cuore. Il mio amore appartiene a voi. Sogno di voi, ogni sera
Voor jou, liefde van mijn leven. Je neemt mijn adem. Ik verdrink me in je ogen. Jouw schoonheid breekt mijn hart. Mijn liefde behoort aan jou. Ik droom van je, iedere avond.
Pour vous, l’amour de ma vie Vous prenez mon haleine Je me noie dans vos yeux Votre beauté brise mon coeur Mon amour appartient vous Je rêve de vous, chaque soirée
For you, love of my life. You take my breath away I drown myself in your eyes Your beauty break my heart My love belong to you I dream of you, every night November 12 A Perfect WorldIn a perfect world I would not exist
I'd never been born
In a perfect world I would not hurt the one dear to me
I'd tell her all my deep dark secrets
In a perfect world our lives would not be torn apart
We'd be together, not letting anyone or anything come between us
In a perfect world.........
But the world isn't perfect
My life's been corruped since the day I was born
Taught how to keep secrets
Raised without trust
Learned to fear love
Better spend my days alone
I will try to make our world perfect
I will try to become the man you deserve me to be
If only there is still time.......
October 09 The TruthI’ve tried so many times to put my feelings into words. But nothing I write is good enough. Nothing comes even close to what happens to me every time I look at you.
You hair are waves of gold or the deepest red or warmest brown. Soft as silk and satin sheets Your eyes take my breath away. Deep pools I can feel myself drowning in, each time Your smile warms even the darkest corners of my heart Your lips… the way you kiss me… Your touch leaves my skin burning, longing, almost aching for more When we talk your sense of humor and your intelligence always amaze me Your compassion and kindness leave me humble When we are together you make me feel stronger, secure. I am safe because you are there beside me. And when we make love…. the world no longer exits, past and present lay to rest. Only you and I are there. Our bodies one, our souls united Ik hou van jeSeptember 28 GratitudeYou have saved me once again Battled the fear, defeated it with your overwhelming power and the faith you have in me
If only my believe was as strong as yours I could protect what I hold dear and not weaken by the fear of losing it all again
My compassion has always been envied by those without a heart yet it is my heart that is the weak spot in my defenses, making the walls crumble before my very eyes
Today your faith has saved me, your love has given me back the strength I had lost Showing me the power is still there For this I own you my eternal gratitudeSeptember 25 Beauty“She’s beautiful”, the young woman sighed. “Yes she is” “I can understand that you would like her” “That’s only lust. The feelings I have for you run so much deeper then that”. He softly ran his fingers though her hair. “But you want her” Her voice was filled with pain and despair. He lifted her chin and forced her to look into his eyes “Her personality sucks and her looks will fade with the passing of years. But you…” he came closer and stared deep into her soul, “…you will always be truly beautiful. You are my Love”.
August 17 a new lifeYour life can change within seconds A single sentence can shift you entire future Just one word can seal your faith
“Can I stay with you?” “Yes” And that was it…. The end of my life The beginning of ours
June 17 The FortressMy heart is a fortress I have dug a moat around it And buried it deep in ice and stone The medieval stronghold is filled with the ghosts of the past And none dares to enter
Yet there have been those who have walked in Pure and beautiful Warm and loving Delicate like a flower Strong like an ancient tree
I was startled Did not know what had happened What was I to do Run and hide Or welcome it with open arms
Minutes turned into hours Hours into days Days into weeks Weeks into months Months into years
Then it was gone As sudden as it came It had left Once again I was alone Incomplete
My heart is fortress Darker then ever before The locks are made of the strongest steel The windows are blocked up No one is allowed to enterJune 14 Knowledge - KennisThroughout the ages knowledge was something that was feared. It was disrespectful if you were smarter than your father or the cities leaders. During the Inquisition, knowledge was an awful sin. Being smart made you a heretic and could get you killed. That knowledge is power is only true when you knowledge was something others could use to gain profit or benefit from. An intelligent mind has been something people envied and fear. For it is a gift and a curse. No one wants to appear dumb or unwise, so cast out the scholars, the philosophers, anyone who is brave enough to think for himself or herself. You think those times have changed with the passing of centuries?
Why do you feel attacked by my words? Why do you call me names and do you accuse me off lecturing you? When I all do is tell you my thoughts, my believes. I’m not trying to convince you. I’m not always right. God knows I don’t want to be right, let me be wrong, please, so that my point isn’t proven each time. My knowledge and intelligence scares you, you may even hate or despite me for it. And why? Because I’m smarter than you?
Every human-being is blessed with an intelligent brain, each of us can learn, gain wisdom and knowledge. Use it the read, form your own opinion and believes. Discuss you thoughts with others and learn form each other. You don’t need to have attended the best schools or universities. You don’t need a degree to feed your own knowledge and mind. Don’t cut yourself short, you can be ever as smart as I may be.
There can be so much pleasure in nourishing your soul with knowledge……..
~
Door de eeuwen heen was kennis iets dat angst in joeg. Slimmer zijn dan je vader of de leiders van de stad, getuigde van een gebrek aan respect. Tijdens de Inquisitie was kennis een doodzonde. Als je slim was betekende het dat je een ketter was en dat kon je dood betekenen. Dat kennis macht is, gaat alleen op als een ander beter kan worden van die kennis. Als het geld of iets anders kan opleveren. Een intelligent verstand is iets dat men vreest en verafschuwd. Het is een gave en een vloek. Niemand wil dom overkomen, dus verban de leraren, de filosofen, een ieder die dapper genoeg is om voor zichzelf te denken. Je geloof dat dit soort dingen veranderd zijn met het verstrijken van de eeuwen?
Waarom voel je je aangevallen door mijn woorden. Waarom schelt je op me en verwijt je me tegen je te preken? Terwijl ik je alleen mijn gedachtes, mijn overtuigingen vertel. Ik probeer je niet te bekeren of te overtuigen. Ik heb niet altijd gelijk. Ik wil helemaal geen gelijk hebben, laat het me alsjeblieft een keer fout hebben, zodat mijn punt niet keer op keer bewezen wordt. Mijn kennis en intelligentie jagen je misschien angst aan, je haat me of veracht me er misschien zelfs om. En waarom? Omdat ik slimmer ben dan jij?
Elk mens is gezegend met een intelligent brein, een ieder van ons kan leren, kennis vergaren, zichzelf verrijken. Gebruik om te lezen, om je eigen mening en opvattingen te ontwikkelen en te vormen. Wissel met anderen van gedachten, discussieer over je mening en leer van elkaar. Je hoeft niet naar de beste scholen en universiteiten te zijn geweest. Je hebt geen hoge diploma’s nodig om kennis te vergaren en je verstand te ontwikkelen. Doe jezelf niet te kort, je bent net zo slim als ik misschien.
Er schuilt zoveel plezier in het verrijken van je ziel met kennis…….. March 14 One ChildWhat we need here are some real decisions
While you only offer mindless visions Visions that nobody else here can see I will believe in you If you still want me to Or tell me I'm on my own There on the other side Tell me the Pilate's died And we're no longer a... Right there in the earth, I've been drawing a line I'm digging it deep, don't know if I'll find A tunnel out so we all can be saved If not, just take this earth and bury me, for this will be my grave
[Music & Words: Jon Oliva, Paul O'Neill SAVATAGE] March 02 ...“Do you have a girlfriend?” “Well…” he sighed: “It complicated. The one I think of as my girlfriend has a boyfriend… and it’s not me. So, I guess technically I don’t have a girlfriend” “She’s having a affair with you?” “No, it’s nothing like that. Not physically anyway” She looked deep into his eyes “Hmm that is complicated” and she kissed him.
He looked back at the young woman standing only a few inches away from him.
“Officially you’re single.” She saw the look in his eyes and gave him a deep warm smile. “Don’t worry, you’re not doing anything wrong” Once again her lips toughed his and this time he replied….
February 28 she hates meShe hates me.... I know she does I've hurt her, wounded her heart deeper then anyone has ever done before I betrayed her and yet I was the one who leached out at her The pain of her betrayal runs deeper in me then I thought The Silk rope that once gave me her love, now takes my breath Silk can be sharper then a steel sword piecing my heart Slowly killing me... for I betrayed her
Why did I do it? I make no excesses Why did I tell it? I have promised her to always tell her the truth And that truth is... I love her, only her But she doesn't love me, not only me... My options are clear I can accept it Or I have to move on Either way.... I can never have her or hold her in my arms Her heart will never truly belong to me
I don't disserve her love
Forgive me................... February 03 alleen jij
mijn aller liefste, mijn meisje van zijde.... je bent de mooiste vrouw die ik ken mijn handen willen alleen jou huid aanraken, mijn lippen willen alleen jou proeven, mijn lichaam verlangt alleen naar jou ik hou van je
January 24 VIOLATE.... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... ....
I'll beat you with your spinal cord Split your skull in two I'll feast on your intestines There's nothing I can't do I'll rip your heart out of your chest Watch it beat as you cry I revel in your agony I violate and make you die Enter now Enter now And violate !!!!!!!!!!!!!! .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... ....
(J. Schaffer - Iced Earth) December 13 The EndingHer hand touched the cold skin on his cheek. He looks up and for the first time he looks deep into her eyes. He can see his own pain reflected in her eyes. It scares him and he pulls back. But she holds him tight and comes closer. Softly kissing the tears that are are falling down his face. Her breath strokes his skin and brushes over his lips. He can feel the warmth, she is not afraid of him. Ever so gently she kisses his lips. He sits there, frozen for a few seconds. Then his lips part and his arms move around her. His hands touch the naked skin on her back, he runs his fingers through her hair. And finally he asnwers her kiss. The pale blue coldness around his heart begins to melt. The warmth of her love is stronger then his pain. The longing to be touched is bigger then his fear. He holds on to her, deep in his arms and lets her kiss away the loneliness. For one brief moment they are one. Bound together for evermore. December 05 FearMy blackened heart..... How it beats in fear
It fears love Sending shivers down my spine Making the blood in my veins flow faster
The fear colors my dreams Hunts my inner most deepest thoughts
The pain and fear reflects in my eyes It shows itself in the way I behave, the way I am Sometimes hurting and scarring the ones around me It's the fear that has a hold on my life, my heart and my soul November 30 A dream...
November 29 Friendship IA long time ago someone told me that friendship is more precious than love. I’ve been thinking about that a lot these last couple of days. And I have to say, I agree. Falling is love can be wonderful but it will never last a lifetime. Love can very hurtful because love makes you vulnerable. It can make a grown man act like a little boy. And love can make you do things you normally wouldn’t even thing about. It can make you selfish, jealous, insecure… But it can also make you happy, feeling so strong and powerful. Love is roller-coaster ride of emotions and roller-coaters make my stomach turn. I guess maybe that’s why love scares me so much.
Friendship,
a deep true friendship will be there forever. It’s softer, smooth and almost
invisible. But a bond of friendship between people can be stronger then
anything in the world. It’s been more then 10 years since we said goodbye at the airport, but our friendship still lives on. |
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